As we reach the end of another December, we tend to reflect on those we have lost in the past year. Today, I would like to pay tribute to a remarkable American who served as my guiding light and had a profound impact on my life.
I am referring to myself.
It may seem unconventional for me to write my own memorial tribute. Some may consider it tactless. How can I provide an unbiased evaluation of my own life? Wouldn’t a self-praising tribute be seen as conceited or boastful?
I will not use this opportunity to boast about my unconventional appearance, my exceptional parenting skills, or my modesty. I will leave that for the President to do in his unplanned televised speech.
One potential problem that could compromise the authenticity of this self-memorial is the fact that I am still alive. This means that the memorial is not fully representative of my life. While I am currently not recognized or valued as a comedian and actor, there is a chance that this may change in the future. It is possible that a reviewer may describe my acting in a more positive light than just being “surprising.”
You may be concerned if this self-memorial will cause confusion and discomfort. I do not want anyone attending my shows after seeing this and mistaking me for a ghost doing stand-up comedy. I am not that pale!
If there had been rumors of my death, wouldn’t a significant number of people in this country take time off to mourn, potentially leading to an unavoidable impact on the global economy and potential disruptions in supply chains? However, there is no need to be concerned. I am still alive.
On the other hand, it is possible that I could have passed away before this commentary was aired. If so, this tribute should highlight my ability to make accurate predictions.
I am deluding myself. Upon my death, I am certain that “Sunday Morning” would devote an entire episode to me and my modest existence. I can already imagine Jane Pauley saying, “We mourn the loss of our Jim Gaffigan this week…wait a minute, who?”
Regardless, I believe that I am still alive.
Wishing you all a joyful New Year!
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The story was written by Lucie Kirk and edited by Ed Givnish.